Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Randomize
