dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
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it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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