when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
