her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
