i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
