the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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