The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
