and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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