I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
