Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
