So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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