Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
