it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
