My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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