my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
