totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
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Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
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im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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