Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
