We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
