I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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