I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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