Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
so much tequila, so little girl.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
