She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I AM VODKA MAN
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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