did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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