New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i think my cat just said my name.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
