i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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