At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
