I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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