Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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