This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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