Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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