i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
