Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
