My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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