I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
