I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
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Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
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I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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