Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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