There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
