I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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