Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
