I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
