My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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