There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
