Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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