What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
