You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
