We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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