No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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