he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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