everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
