I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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