I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
operation harelip BJ is a go
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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