Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
