Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
