Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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