my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I am one with the molecules
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
