totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
