My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
